When the Hard Rains Come

Is it wrong to count the cost? Even if it takes only a moment? I cannot sleep and my mind is a jumble of emotion and turmoil. I was laying in my bed only a moment ago, aching for my best friend. She sent me a text message at 3 this morning (my time) asking me to call her because it was an emergency. She had just found out that her father had died. She is in training for the same type of work that I do here, she is in Virgina. Far far away from Oregon.
I lay there aching because she is now without an earthly Father and a brief moment later I was rejoicing because her earthly Father is now with her Heavenly One, and I KNOW my best friend has God with her right now. I am so thankful that in the midst of her grief that she has Him. As I lay there and tears soaked my pillow, selfishly I started to go over in my mind what I was not going to be able to do because I can't be there with her. I answered a call to come here over a year ago and this is the first time the full impact of what exactly I gave up in my obedience has hit me. I could not give her a hug when I heard the news, I did not get to say goodbye to Sheldon. I am not going to get to visit him when he was going to visit her here next year. I don't get to walk with her in person through these next few hard weeks as she deals with arrangments, settles his estate, and...grieves. I can only pray and ask that my friends that are still there give her a hug from me. I love my friend so much. So much so that at the times when she is hurting it is like my insides are being twisted too. But is it wrong to count that as a loss? I am not sure yet. Is it wrong to grieve it? I am not sure of that either. I don't want to have a sense of martyrdom, in fact I would despise feeling that way. Sheldon is with Jesus. My friend is flying back to Oregon. I am here. I am supposed to be here. God knew that this was the way it was going to be, and he planned it this way. I don't need to know why. I don't even feel like asking. I just know that what he gave up for me is what he has asked from me. Nothing less or more than myself. Maybe it is ok to count the cost, if only for a second. Maybe that is what helps us to appreciate and have a deeper understanding of how much more he gave up for us. I hope that you will never hear me say that this grief for her and for her Father, this aching to be with my best friend, and this sadness that I did not get to say goodbye to Sheldon was not worth it in the end. Sheldon, will you give Jesus a hug for me? Julie I love you, and I am so so sorry. Jesus, thank you that I am here, and thank you that you are with us all.